“THE HIGH TIMES OF JESUS CHRIST”
FADE IN:
INT. MARY AND JOSEPH’S LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN-DAY
A small apartment in ancient Palestine. It is not dirty, but you can tell its occupant’s don’t have a lot of money. JOSEPH is sitting in a recliner watching television. He has a mirror with white powder on it resting on the arm of the recliner. MARY is standing in front of a stove in the kitchen. She is making supper. They both appear to be in their twenties.
JOSEPH
(yelling)
Where’s my dinner, bitch?
Mary rolls her eyes; Joseph cannot see her.
MARY
It will be done soon, honey.
JOSEPH
I got shit to do tonight; got some blow comin’ in at sundown. Preemo stuff!
MARY
Joseph?
JOSEPH
What?!
MARY
I need to talk to you about something; promise me you won’t get upset.
Joseph snorts a line of powder with a straw.
JOSEPH
I’ll do whatever I want. Spit out what you got to say!
MARY
Well, this isn’t easy to say, but here goes: our lord, God, came to me in a dream. He told me that I am to have his child, our savior.
JOSEPH
What the fuck?! Shit, that muthafucka better recognize! You my bitch!
MARY
Our lord says I have a higher calling. I am to give birth to a son, who is the Messiah.
JOSEPH
Nah, what you gonna do is call God’s ass up and say you is taken. Lord or no lord, he ain’t bangin’ my bitch!
MARY
It is too late; it is already done.
Joseph throws his mirror on the floor, stands up, and faces Mary.
JOSEPH
What the fuck?! You been cheatin’ on me?! Awwww, fuck that!
MARY
It is God’s will.
JOSEPH
Nah! God better pony up the cash for an abortion. I ain’t usin’ my hard-earned drug money to feed his little bastard. Pack your shit, bitch, we goin’ to the free clinic in Bethlehem.
MARY
(bows her head and moves towards the bedroom)
If that is the way you want it.
CUT TO:
INT. MARY AND JOSEPH’S BEDROOM-DAY
Mary enters the bedroom and sits on the side of the bed facing away from the door. She begins to pray out loud.
MARY
Oh lord, give me the strength to do your will.
A wicker chair opposite Mary suddenly comes to life. It has the face of GOD.
GOD
Hello, Mary. I have come to tell you that you must escape from Joseph in Bethlehem. You must go to the “Fabulous Manger Hotel and Casino” where you will find three wise men. Go to the back entrance and ask for Guido; he will protect you. The strength is within, Mary, and the wise men will help you harness it. May the force be with you.
The chair returns to normal and God is gone.
MARY
The force? What’s that?
Joseph is standing in the doorway to of the bedroom.
JOSEPH
I’m gonna force my foot up your ass if you don’t get movin’! Who the fuck you talkin’ to anyway?!
MARY
No one.
Joseph turns to leave.
JOSEPH
Crazy bitch!
FADE OUT:
FADE IN ON:
EXT. DOWNTOWN BETHLEHEM-NIGHT
Downtown Bethlehem resembles the modern day Las Vegas Strip. Many casinos, strip clubs, etc., with big neon lights. Mary and Joseph are walking together down the street.
JOSEPH
Where the fuck is this clinic? I wanna get this shit over with!
MARY
Maybe you should ask for directions.
JOSEPH
Maybe you should do less talkin’ and more lookin’!
A rough looking MAN comes out of an alleyway and steps in front of Mary and Joseph, impeding their progress.
MAN
Can you spare some change, nice people?
JOSEPH
Fuck you! Why don’t you get a job or sell drugs live everyone else?
MAN
Maybe I should rob someone.
JOSEPH
Now you’re thinkin’.
The man pulls out a gun and points it at Mary and Joseph.
MAN
Maybe I should rob you!
Joseph puts his hands up.
JOSEPH
Hey now, dude, just chill out.
Mary senses her chance to escape.
MARY
(Talking to Joseph)
Are you gonna take that shit?!
JOSEPH
(talking out of the side of his mouth)
Bitch, shut up! I’ll handle this!
MARY
Are you gonna let this guy punk you out?! Some man you are!
(now talking to the man)
There’s five bucks in it for you if you shoot this pussy.
JOSEPH
What the fuck?!
MARY
Pop a cap in ‘im! He’s got the money in his wallet.
Mary turns and walks off as Joseph and the man watch in amazement.
MAN
Well, give me the cash, asshole!
JOSEPH
Uh, uh, okay man, hold on.
(he reaches for his wallet and pulls it out)
Just don’t kill me, man!
(he starts to sob)
I don’t want to die!
Joseph gives the man his wallet.
MAN
I ain’t gonna kill you, man. Hell, I wasn’t gonna rob you ‘till you pissed me off. You got a shitty personality, dude. I mean, damn, your own wife wanted me to shoot you!
The man turns and disappears into the alley. Joseph wipes away some tears.
JOSEPH
Oh, I’m gonna kill that bitch!
CUT TO:
EXT. FABULOUS MANGER HOTEL AND CASINO-NIGHT
Mary walks around to the rear of the hotel and knocks on a big metal door. A slot in the door opens and a pair of eyes peek out. This is the DOORMAN.
DOORMAN
Yeah, what is it?
MARY
Um, yes. Can I speak with Guido, please?
DOORMAN
Who are you?
MARY
My name is Mary. A mutual friend sent me.
DOORMAN
Hold on.
The slot in the door closes and Mary glances around nervously. After a few moments the slot reopens.
DOORMAN
Come on in.
The door opens and Mary enters.
CUT TO:
INT. GUIDO’S OFFICE-NIGHT
A very plush office. Mary and the doorman enter.
DOORMAN
Have a seat. Guido will be with you in a moment.
The doorman leaves and closes the door behind him. Mary wanders around the office, looking at the pictures on the wall. They are mostly of gangsters. One picture is of Guido holding a large gun; the gun has the face of God in it. God is smiling. Then Mary sits in a chair, which is in front of a large desk. After a moment GUIDO walks in, followed by two other WISE MEN.
GUIDO
Hello, you must be Mary.
(they shake hands)
Sorry we kept you waiting; had a little business to attend to. My name is Guido, and these are my associates.
MARY
It’s nice to meet you.
GUIDO
We understand you bare the Messiah.
MARY
Yes, sir. I have escaped my husband; he wanted me to get an abortion.
Guido glances knowingly at his associates.
GUIDO
Well, you won’t have to worry about your husband anymore. He sleeps with the fishes.
The wise men laugh.
MARY
What does that mean?
GUIDO
Let’s just say he naps with the worms.
The wise men laugh again.
MARY
I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.
Guido is getting agitated.
GUIDO
He’s, uh, he’s playing racquetball with Moses.
The wise men laugh yet again. Mary looks confused.
MARY
I don’t understand. Joseph hates racquetball and he once said that he thought Moses was a faggot. Why would he be playing racquetball-
GUIDO
-Um, Mary, your husband is dead.
MARY
Oh! (beat) How did he die?
One of the wise men begins to explain very excitedly.
WISE MAN #2
Aw man, we fucked him up good! Bap, bap, bap! He was screamin’ like a little bitch, “Oh, please don’t hurt me!” “I’ll do anything!” “What are you gonna do with that two foot dildo?” What a pussy!
GUIDO
Please excuse my associate, he’s a little high strung. You see, Mary, God is a very dear friend of mine, and he has big plans for the son you carry. He will be the savior of mankind. So, any threat to you and the baby Jesus is unacceptable, and we know how to take care of problems like that.
MARY
You know, I’ve been thinking, and I really don’t like the name Jesus.
Guido looks at the other wise men.
GUIDO
I think God has his heart set on Jesus.
MARY
Well, okay. I guess I can live with it. Hey, are you guys in the Mafia?
WISE MAN #2
What are you, a cop?!
GUIDO
(talking to wise man #2)
Would you shut the fuck up?!
(now talking to Mary)
Now, Mary, we have one more thing to discuss.
(he motions to wise man #3 who walks over to a cabinet, reaches in, and pulls out a joint. He then hands it to Guido)
Do you know what this is, Mary?
(she shakes her head)
Well, let me tell you a story. In the beginning, God made the heavens, the earth, man, animals, and a bunch of other shit that I won’t go into because this is only a two-hour movie. Anyway, on the seventh day, God rested. But he couldn’t relax. After six intense days of creation, God was pretty hyped-up. He needed something to mellow him out.
(he holds up the joint)
That’s where this comes in.
MARY
Well, what is it?
WISE MAN #2
It’s fuckin’ weed, man!
GUIDO
That’s it!
(he puts the joint down on the desk and grabs wise man #2 and throws him out the nearest window. A long, fading scream is followed by a crash. Guido returns to the desk, mumbling something)
As I was saying;
(he picks the joint back up)
this is a marijuana cigarette, God’s greatest creation.
MARY
What does it do?
GUIDO
See for yourself.
Guido lights the joint and hands it to Mary. She takes a couple of tokes and looks stoned.
MARY
Wow, man.
GUIDO
How do you feel?
MARY
Awesome, dude. (beat) Way to go, God.
Mary continues smoking.
GUIDO
It is the best available. Smoke often during the pregnancy, it will give Jesus the strength he will need to defeat his enemies.
MARY
Enemies, cool.
GUIDO
Mary, we need to prepare you for the birth. It will be a glorious celebration, with liquor, dancing, a live band, maybe even one of those clowns that makes balloon animals.
And right in the middle of the room, the main attraction ; you, giving birth to the Messiah!
MARY
Hmmm, that sounds kinda uncomfortable.
GUIDO
Well, it’s not carved on a stone tablet or anything. Well work it out. Come,
let me show you to your room.
